His love will not let go

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” – Isaiah 41:13

His nail-pierced hands hold mine, and we walk together. Even with the scars I gave Him, He holds on to me, for the price was worth the prize of my heart. He stays with me and leads me further in love.

Tears gather in His eyes when He feels how tightly I grasp His hand. “I will never leave You. I will never abandon You. I will always be with You. I will never fail You. I am Faithful. Believe My words, I am True to them. I don’t break My promises. I don’t change. I am not like others who leave and fail your hopes and break your trust. You can put Your hope in Me. You can believe in My love. You can trust Me with Your heart.” He squeezes my hand. “I won’t let go. Ever.”

I feel the hole in His hand, and I know my sins. I want to pull away, because I don’t deserve this perfect love. It’s too good for me. I know how pure and beautiful He is, and I want to hide the ugliness of my own thinking so maybe He will love me more. I condemn myself and it hurts to know I chose myself over Him, yet He still chooses me. We stop and He has been reading my thoughts. I can’t even look into His eyes, because He sees right inside me, and when He sees my dirt, I am sure He will be disappointed.

“You are mine. When I forgave you, I forgot your sin. I made you new!” His hand turns my gaze to look at His glowing face. “You are worried about how I see you.” I look down, nodding slightly. He closes His eyes, knowing my deep fears. Then He begins speaking with such love, the force of many rivers could not compare. “I see you as pure, because when I shed my blood for you, I washed you clean. I see you are precious, because you are worth it to me. I see you as you are, the way you were made; I see the way my Father designed you, and it is beautiful. The Creator of the universe has sealed you with His signature, calling you His own. I love my Father, and I see He loved You so much He made you like Him, and I love the way you resemble Him. Will you give up that old picture you have of yourself, and look in the mirror? You reflect the glory of God. You are radiant with His light, I brought you into the light when I rescued you from the darkness! You can’t mar the beauty I see within you, because it’s permanent. You don’t need to fear what I see, or how I will respond. I can not love you less. I saw all your sin and took the weight of your shame, all at once, and I carried it for you on the cross. I forgave you then. I set you free, I have redeemed you. My love is here, it’s for you, and it’s never-ending. Will you walk with me, and I will show you just how far it goes?”

Joy filled my heart in that moment. There was nothing bad to dwell on, because I realize it was gone. The scars on His hands were just a mark of how much He loved me, how committed He was to make sure I knew that love. They were the reminder of how death was not too high a price, that He would -and did- give His own life.

“All I am is worth you.”

He gave Himself, so He could receive me.

And He has me, I belong to no other; I place my hand in His, held out to me, asking me to trust Him and continue on. All this time, I had been afraid I would never find true love. I asked myself, Who would receive me? Who would accept me? And what was the cost I had to pay to earn their love?

But here was a love just asking that I would be theirs. Here was a love that doesn’t tell me I have to change, but a love that changes me. Here is a love that doesn’t point out every flaw and highlight every reason I am unacceptable, but holds out His arms and says, “Come here!” Here is a love that holds me close, no matter what I look like, no matter what my past, no matter if there are a thousand reasons why I am unloveable. This is love. This is Jesus.

His love will not let go.

Atlanta Day 5: Where’d you go?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011 | 11:38 pm | Salvation Army Community Center | Atlanta, Georgia

“Where’d you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone.”

Those are the words of a song by Fort Minor, and they stand in the silence of voices we never hear but I heard today. I want to give a voice to four girls I met tonight.

Several IWU students heading into Peachcrest

This evening a group of about 10 of us went to Peachcrest, which I would describe as the Salvation Army’s version of a YMCA. As entered the room, I was met with the loud voices of over 100 kids. We were officially the only white people in the room, and it was one of the first observable facts that crossed my mind, but wasn’t weird for me. This entire trip has put me in new situations that differ from normal life. From the moment we entered the room, kids rushed up to welcome us; not even a few minutes passed before I had received several hugs.

Although I’m naturally a brave and adventurous person, I found myself a bit terrified when I thought of attempting to tutor these kids. Most were around 5 to 13 years old, but the thought of helping them with their homework sounded like it would be similar to me forcing them to complete some sort of self-torture (which is what most kids refer to homework as!). After a supernatural infusion of courage, I sat at a table with a few girls and a boy. I found they were really self-motivated and didn’t complain at all about doing homework. In fact, they didn’t really need my help; they really just wanted my company and to talk.

Chuck tutoring some of the boys

Our conversations began with a lot of small talk, and I was flattered that they asked me a lot of questions. They were such sweet girls, and even though they weren’t getting any homework done at the moment, they were excited to have me sitting there with them. Any fears I felt evaporated when I first sat down at their gray table on the little blue chairs: they started our friendship by admiring my red hair. “It’s so long,” one girl with braided pigtails said. I felt a hand run through my locks and the girl on my left exclaim, “You’re hair is so soft!” This of course, was followed up by several questions: “Does it change colors?” and “Is this your real hair?” Later they discussed how I would look good with a perm. Then, they saw my camera and wanted to take pictures with it (or have me take their pictures): there was a lot of laughter and silly faces that ensued.

Somewhere in the midst of paging through a yellow social science book, a Coca Cola spill, reading their hand-written stories, and arguing over Justin Beiber’s looks, we began sharing about family.

“I don’t have a dad,” Iyanna told me.

Sadness tinged my voice as I asked if he had died.

“No, he left 3 years ago. But I still call him everyday.”

“I don’t have a dad either,” Lorenna told me nonchalantly.

“None of us do, all ours left.” Savannah summarized for me.

I sat in shock. The entire table? None of them had a daddy? For years they’ve had to live without a father figure…I could imagine the impact it’s had on them, the pain they must have felt.

But I didn’t have any words. I didn’t have a solution.

I couldn’t make their daddy’s come back.

Later, I was talking to an older girl, probably around 13. We said hi, and I asked her how she was. Her face remained blank, no smile. “You okay?” I asked, sensing something was wrong.

“I haven’t been okay for three years,” she told me flippantly.

My heart felt the stab of the silent pain she was masking on her expressionless face.

“My eyes used to be your color,” she told me, gazing into my hazel green-brown iris’. “But they aren’t anymore.”

I looked into her eyes, completely black. I couldn’t even see her pupils they were so dark.

“They look like this because they change when I am sad.”

“Why are you sad?”  I asked, wishing the room wasn’t full of a hundred screaming kids playing musical chairs.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t talk about it,” she answered, turning from me.

“Ariel, you can talk to me. Do you want to go over here, and you can tell me about it?”

“No, I don’t talk about it,” she repeated, turning again.

I waited a moment, then asked her another question. She kept sharing from then on, as long as I kept asking questions. The entire time she kept expressionless, emotionless. Her story finally spilled out: a couple years ago, her closest friend was acting strange one day at school and wouldn’t talk to her. The next day, he was gone. She never saw him again, he had just left. She doesn’t know why, and doesn’t know where he went. He disappeared from her life. She has one friend, a girl, but that’s it. “I always try to be nice to other kids at my school, but they don’t want to be my friend,” she told me. When we talked about her family, she also told me she didn’t have a dad.

I’m sharing these girl’s stories because they awoke me to the reality of a problem I had always known, but never witnessed like this.

How many children are abandoned? How many girls have no fathers to affirm them, cherish them, treat them like his princess, and hold them in their strong, safe arms?

Tonight I shared with my small group about this, and they had similar experiences: I found out (not surprisingly) that it wasn’t just the girls- many of the boys had no dads. How many boys have no positive male role model and who need a father to set an example for them of what a man is like? Is all they know about the only father they’ve had is that he chose to leave?

I asked Ariel if she believed in God, and came to found out she has a good relationship with Him. God had placed me there so I could remind her that He was still with her, He was listening, she could always talk to Him, and He would never leave her.

I’m thankful at least one fatherless girl knows of her Heavenly Father, but how many are there, still silently crying from their hearts:

“Where’d you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone,
Please come back home…”

The hard thing about abandonment is that you can’t make other people come back into your life, and the pain of their absence affects you all the time. Maybe you know what it feels like, maybe you can relate- maybe you understand what life is like without a father or what it’s like to have a friend disappear from your life. It’s painful.

So what can we do?

Pray, get involved in tutoring, be a positive role model for a kid that doesn’t have one, encourage the men in your lives to reach out to children near you and be a father-like figure to those who don’t have one. I think what they need most is for us to LOVE  them and BE there.

In the end, it’s really up to us to decide. It’s up to you. You can do anything. The question is- will you?

“But in Your great mercy You did not… abandon them, for You are a gracious and merciful God.” Nehemiah 9:31

Sunday, March 6, 2011 | 6:18 pm | Salvation Army Community Center | Atlanta, Georgia 

God grows beauty

We love to look at beauty.

One way I love to look at beauty is through photography. I enjoy looking at photography of different places or things I consider beautiful: green mountainsides, a river between houses in Italy, couples in love, a colorful field of flowers… I could go on for a long time.

God filled this world with beauty.

Like our Creator, we love to create beauty, too.

But our culture has changed the definition of beauty and distorted it into an obsession instead of appreciation.

The word “glamour” comes to mind, and makes me think of how showy our society has become that beauty is an object to be obtained then displayed.

Beauty is something we all are enthralled with, yet we still often overlook it. We miss beauty in the everyday blessings of breathing, nature, people; we miss beauty in our own reflection.

I love the saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” God’s eye beholds you and sees beauty.

God looks at us and sees beauty.

Wow.

Now, like God, can we look at others and see beauty? I believe so, when we’re looking through God’s eyes?

I really like the movie Princess Diaries. I’m thinking right now of the scene when Mia is told she is a princess, she gives all the reasons why she can’t be. I feel like when God shows us our true royal identity, we shoot back our reasons why that can’t be true. And when we finally realize our inheritance, we can be transformed into truly “owning” who we have been all along, but we never lived it, because we never knew or believed it. Mia’s grandmother was able to look at a young, insecure, shy teenage girl and see the Princess she was. She saw Mia as she was in that moment, and she saw all that she could become.

In time, Mia was transformed (not only outwardly) but also in who she was, and she did truly become a Princess and accept who her Father saw her as- so much more than she ever saw on her own.

I like to think of beauty as a transformation.

God sees us and sees all we can become; He sees the finished work.

How can we learn to look at others in that way? How can we not only find beauty in who they are now by looking through God’s eyes and see all they can become.

We end up judging people so often is because we only see them as they are now. Even if we see good, we tend to pick up on the things we’d like to change. If only we could see that there is so much hope in the future for them to grow and be transformed.

If we starting seeing beauty God’s way instead of our own, I believe He will give us a vision and hope for others. God wants to bring transformation in so many broken people, but we must be willing to see that vision of beauty He desires to bestow.

Today I was thinking about the summer internship I applied for. I would be living in Nairobi, Kenya for at least two months and working within (social justice) organizations and ministries within that area. I began reading up more about Nairobi and looking at pictures.

My heart broke as I saw the slums and the poverty of the community that lives there. It’s not a “beautiful” picture.

I asked God, “where is Your hope in this?” And He told me: He is God, nothing is impossible for Him; He desires to bring transformation. God brings beauty from brokenness.

People, communities, and ourselves… we are broken. God is a restorer, He gives us His abundant life and revives us. God bring the dead to life. He can use us to plant seeds in others, or water seeds already planted. We just must remember that God is the one who does the work of transformation.

“What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.” (1 Corinthians 3:5-7)

God has created beauty all around us. There are seeds of beauty, sprouts, and full grown beauty. Be encouraged, when you brokenness…

“He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

I have been listening to this song all day; I hope it penetrates your heart like it did mine:

[Note: Sorry if my thoughts are scattered, it’s very late but I wanted to post this right away.]

obedient love.

When I think of obedience, I tend to think of having to do things I don’t want to. The next thing I usually think of is my parents, even though I am an independent college student making my own choices now. I can just hear my mom’s voice, calling from the kitchen, disrupting something I wanted to do: “Breanna, come do the dishes!” If you grew up in a Christian home like me, you probably can refer to Sunday school where you were taught about one of the Ten Commandments from Exodus 20, the one my parents repeatedly reminded me of: “Honor your father and mother.” Which happened to somehow always mean obeying.

Maybe you can relate to this view of obedience. But honestly, obedience is not all about obeying your parents. It’s about something more profound, beautiful, yet simple. Let me share with you what I’ve discovered.

Yesterday as I was sitting in a booth in my college cafeteria eating lunch and reading my Bible. I had flipped open to John 14 and began to feel excited as I read. I forgot about my salad. Let me share with you what I found.

Read John 14:15-31.

If we proclaim we are Christians that means “to be a Christ-follower”. Jesus Christ is the example we should look to when searching for how to live as a Christian. Jesus is teaching his disciples in this passage about several key things: obedience, why He is going to leave them but return and about who He is. Jesus also promises them the Holy Spirit.

The first thing Jesus says in verse 15 is the most important; so simple yet profound.

If you love Me, you will obey what I command.

Just meditate on that for a moment, let it sink in.

Think of someone you love. If they asked you to do something, would you? The problem sometimes with obedience in our relationship with God is that we are not obeying Him because we love Him. And then there are those time that although you love God so much, it’s hard to obey Him.

God has given us His Holy Spirit. In John 14:20 Jesus tells us that He is in us and we are in Him! Jesus calls His Holy Spirit “the Counselor” and “Spirit of truth”, and promises that He will teach us all things and will remind us of everything Jesus has said. We need the Holy Spirit’s counsel to understand God’s truth, His commands, and to be reminded of Jesus’ words.

Jesus is asked what the two greatest commandments in Matthew 22:36-40. He replies by saying, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

So we have these two commandments to love God with everything and love our neighbors. It is crazy to realize that essentially what Jesus is saying is that, “All I ask is that you love.”

So now we must discover what love is, and how to love. And that example is found in Jesus as well. The promises of loving God are awesome! Jesus told us in John 14:21 that “whoever has My commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves Me. He who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I too will love him and show Myself to him.”

I want to know Jesus and for Him to show Himself to me, don’t you?

Jesus set the ultimate example of love by obeying His Heavenly Father. He tells His disciples, “the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.”

Jesus’s way of saying “I love You!” to His Heavenly Father was to obey. It was spreading His arms wide, hands and feet nailed to a cross. Beaten, bruised, ripped apart, mocked, rejected by those He came to save, betrayed, and crucified- the worst death possible. Yet He still submitted to the Father’s will, because He loved Him.

Let us join with Jesus and choose to love Him through obedience. Live in a way that allows the world to learn that you love the Father and do exactly what your Heavenly Father has commanded- to love.

fearless lovers.

I’m listening to Lovesick by Misty Edwards and right now it speaks to my heart in two ways, one more personal between God and I, the other is what I want to share.

The message of this song is that only God can satisfy and expresses desire for Him alone, that “try as I may to chase another love, I find there is no other.“

Misty proclaims in this song,

This is the generation that has tried everything

This is the generation of Jacob

This is the generation that’s done all those things

But only You can satisfy.

This is the generation searching for the face of God…

God was revealing to me that this generation (that I am a part of) is the next world of leaders about to step up. The old generation will thin out and soon our impact will be the most able to shape the society around us. God wants to turn the hearts of our generation toward Him before we “obtain this power”. More fearless disciples of Christ who are passionate, set-apart, and full of love for His children need to step up and boldly declare God’s love and purposes, to speak the truth in love so that hearts can know Him and be saved! We need to live with abandon for our Lord and not conform to the ways of the world but be set-apart.

I see so many Lacedean lukewarms fakes who label themselves as Christians, and I am ready to see fearless lovers! My generation is so concerned about satisfying self often (especially through satisfying others), and my generation is so concerned about appearance. I’m not afraid of what other’s think of me. God’s perfect love is casting off all my fear. I will say as David did in Psalm 118:6 “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”

I’ve been reading Jesus Freaks, a book about martyrs for Christ. The testimonies of those who have suffered and stayed strong for Christ to glorify Him openly has strengthened me. We should not be afraid to proclaim Christ to others and to share with our generation God’s truth. I don’t care who they think I am or if they judge me, because God is my judge and I know who I am.

I may see the way my generation looks, how messed up it is, and I even know the flaws of my humanity. But I know and believe 1 Peter 2:9 (NLT)…

But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into His wonderful light.

We are God’s very own, chosen, and we can show others the goodness of God! His perfect love has cast out fear, and now the time has come for fearless lovers of God to call others out of the darkness into His wonderful light…

Seasons of Loneliness and Isolation: You’re Growing

Seasons of being alone and isolated can actually bring about a lot of spiritual growth.

I have been through many long seasons of being alone or completely isolated in the past two or so years. I have experienced those seasons both negatively and positively based on the posture of my heart during that time.

I noticed some patterns in those seasons that others who have gone through a similar time could identify with:

• bitterness
• sadness
• depression
• self-pity
• despair
• giving into sin to temporarily satisfy desires instead of waiting for God to answer or meet those
• feeling trapped or helpless
• uncared for, unloved, worthless
• insignificant, unnoticed
• emptiness
• ‘completely alone’
• hurt and intense pain
• self-protection, shutting out others
• self-loathing
• turning inward, self-focus

I could go on, but you get the idea. These times can be very painful and full of brokenness, but they can also be full of deep joy and intimacy with the Lord. They do not have to be like I described. I found some of my greatest times of growth and development spiritually as a person were the times when God stripped everything else in my life away (literally) and it was just me and Him. That season, and others like it, were not without a purpose. When I looked to and turned to Him during those times, these are some of the things He used it for in my life:

• growth
• being broken down and stripped of negative things
• repentance and freedom
• shedding, giving up and removing what needs to go
• deep joy that is more than a feeling
• greater intimacy with the Lord
• new revelation, more understanding in the Word
• more time with God in solitude
• seeking, listening, praying
• attuning your ears to know His voice, hear Him more clearly
• submission and re-aligning of the heart
• authentic worship and refreshing moments in God’s presence
• love for God maturing
• positioning of God as first and greatest love in my heart and of my life

God is molding you during that time. One of the most important things you can do during those times is to look to Christ and keep your eyes fixed on Him. He has been through isolation (in the desert for 40 days He was alone and completely removed from everything). He can give you the strength to persevere through it.

It isn’t the easiest thing to choose to run to Jesus sometimes, for whatever reason, but if you do, no matter how you feel, and keep running to Him, He will meet you there. He is always present but we have to seek Him daily. I can’t tell you, you just have to experience it for yourself, but learning to delight yourself in God, in being in His presence day-by-day, no matter what season you are in, is so incomparable. It is the best. That is where you find all your heart is longing for. It’s in Him.

It is so easy to feel sorry for yourself or feel sad about where you are at in that position, I know, but it actually is a needed season every one of us need to go through. Just because it is hard doesn’t mean it isn’t beneficial. Simply come to Him with your whole heart; He’ll do the work.

God uses those seasons of being alone and isolated to draw us closer to Him, to refine and mold us, to strip away what isn’t needed, and largely to shape us into who we need to be. We’ll come out of it a more whole person with our identity based on Christ and His truth (and not anything else). The reward is so much greater than the suffering. It is hard; but you are not truly alone, and it doesn’t last forever. It may seem like it lasts longer than you ever wanted to endure, but it is less and less miserable if you find your comfort, peace, and encouragement in Christ. That is the whole point- to bring you closer to Him. We should praise God for those times. They will shape you into who you are today and God can use them to do mighty things in your heart!

Different but One

God has all these characteristics (mighty, powerful, just, humble, meek, compassionate, strong, victorious, etc), ‘roles’ we know Him in and names we know Him by (Father, Savior, the Good Shepard, Creator, Lord, the Lamb, Alpha and Omega, etc) within His nature.

My friend and I were talking today about being true to ourselves and authentic in all situations about who were are, no matter what. It’s a value to both of us that is really important and key to how we live our lives. In different roles we have, we have to dress differently. Who we are is not how we dress. Different roles we are required to put on different clothes. But who we are in those roles are all the same person, regardless of how different we look. And when we are required to put on different clothes because of a different role, it is just demonstrating a different characteristic that is always there.

For example, as a journalist I have to get professional in heels, pencil skirt, blouse and soft waves, but if you catch me at other times I’d look completely different. Working out, I’d have a pair of Nike shoes, shorts, athletic tee shirt, ponytail, and no make-up. Catch me on a normal day I’ll have skinny jeans, vans, a Christian hardcore/metal band tee or v-neck plain shirt, and maybe a zip-up hooded jacket. Or maybe a sundress with sandals. But I’m just being me. I’m not being a different person, I’m all the same person and my personality and character hasn’t changed, just certain aspects are brought out depending on what I’m doing.

I have finally learned in a whole new way than ever before to let myself be free to just be me, and not worry about people understanding because I know who I am and am staying true and authentic to myself. For example, I used to not be very open about liking heavy music even though it was a huge passion of mine and a part of who I am for years. I have been asked by many people, how can I be so “sweet and caring” but love such heavy music (which comes off as [and in many ways is] violent and angry)? How can I be both, when they are what seems opposites or completely different characteristics? The answer is people don’t know me completely if they don’t understand.

I think we do the same thing to God at times, when we ask how He can be the Lion and Lamb, Lowly and Exalted, Just and Merciful (etc). Yet, it’s a really beautiful thing to me that God is both!

I was so encouraged looking at God, knowing who He is, and seeing how He has put on many different “clothes or forms”, has many characteristics, but they are all unchanging and one in who He is… all the time.

In learning to marry together all the unique ways God has made me and accept them as one, I also am able to be challenged to see all the characteristics of God in all His roles as a whole. I can see Him better as all of who He is -at all times- instead of separating or focusing only at one as true at different times. It is a more complete picture of who God is, and more true. My understanding is deepened.

I was thinking through some examples how differently God appears at times to us and am just amazed thinking through how the same God who was lowly and put on human flesh, bearing the scars of crucifixion is the same God who is a victorious King and Warrior with fire in His eyes and a thigh tattoo, clothed in glory and splendor.

We read in the gospels how God came as Jesus Christ and put on flesh. He came as Savior, yet He still was all that God is (“I and the Father am one” John 10:30; 14:10; 17:20). He didn’t just ‘change clothes’ but completely put on a lowly human form. I love reading Revelation 1 and 19, where we get pictures of Jesus different than the ones we imagine in the gospels (Jewish, human, meekly, “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him, nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him” [Isaiah 53:2]).

In Revelation 1:13-16, Jesus is described as “clothed with a garment down to the feet and girded about the chest with a golden band. His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and His eyes like a flame of fire; His feet were like fine brass, as if refined in a furnace, and His voice as the sound of many waters; He had in His right hand seven stars, out of His mouth went a sharp two-edged sword, and His countenance was like the sun shining in its strength.” Just, overwhelming glory, power, beauty, and holiness that John said he “fell at His feet as though I was dead.”

And Jesus Christ just sounds like a badass (can I say that? CAUSE HE IS) in Revelation 19:11-16:

“Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war.His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.”

Reading those words about Christ speaks to so many of His characteristics that are still who He is; but it looks differently than other passages about Him, doesn’t it? But He is still the same, and He is still one.

In many passages of the Bible in books (like Psalms and Job), God is clothed in such mystery and wonder. God is bigger than I can wrap my mind around! “Behold, God is great, and we do not know Him; Nor can the number of His years be discovered” (Job 36:26). 1 Corinthians 13:12 talks about how “now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” There are so many passages that describe Creator God, and I can’t imagine the form of God who created everything formed- lighting, every creature and all creation, the stars and mountains… it is like this mystery of wonder that God is bigger than I can imagine or see with my small eyes. He is also ‘invisible’ and ‘unseen’, in one way.

God is Spirit (John 4:24). And then we have the Holy Spirit who lives and resides within us and we are His temple. Mind blown, right?

God is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit: and He is one.

I could use so many more examples from Scripture, but I think one thing I took away from this was a beautiful picture of God in full view (which I will never be able to completely encapsulate and will forever search out to know more fully because God is more than I can grasp) with all these many characteristics and roles becoming one into a whole Person that is still true.

For me personally as well, I gained a clearer idea what it looks like to be true to who you are while accepting how that looks in different roles and how that can be. I am a whole person with a lot of different characteristics. I am not a different person in all the roles I have or ways I look in those, they all are me. I can be all these things and still be myself. I am actually made in the image of God, and He is conforming me daily more into the image of Christ (Romans 8:29)! So many of these unique characteristics I know are me (that can seem different from each other) is simply the way God made me! It brings Him glory when I am free to be who He made me to be, completely.

And taking this all one step further, as the body of Christ, we have a lot of different characteristics, roles, and ways we look. But we are all one and united in Christ. We are still the body, and just because one role wears different clothes doesn’t mean it’s not a part or isn’t remaining true. Being different is just diversity, and just because something things about one thing are different does not mean they can’t be paired together.

I think in many ways we as individuals or we as the diverse body of Christ reflect and embody different characteristics of God, which as His children we should! It is a really cool thing to see and think about. I think the more we know about God and are able to understand Him more fully and wholly, we will be able to have more unity in diversity and be able to bring together the many different things as one in Him. Above all, we are called to “put on Christ” and be clothed in Him (Romans 13:14). And in all this, He is conforming us more into His image to reflect His glory.

College

I began this blog when I first came to IWU.

I have kept it all this time, from freshman year.

Things have changed so much in the past 5 years.

After all I’ve been through the past two years especially, I feel more than ever that I want to give up, and it’s not worth it anymore. The pain it’s caused me, the way I as a person have been affected for the worse -and my life- it doesn’t seem worth it. It has destroyed my passion for what I love to do, for what I have been studying at this university.

Few people know my story and everything I’ve been through, and I don’t know if anyone one person should have to sit through hearing it entirely.

It feels so screwed up beyond repair now. Yet, I still keep going regardless. No matter how this ends, or how bad it gets, I never stop trying. I got sick and had to withdraw; I still came back a year later to finish. I lost credits and things got complicated and I found out it will take longer; I still commit to doing whatever it takes to get it done.

My expectations and hopes have greatly been disappointed, completely crushed. It has not been pleasant, or great, or something I have enjoyed barely at all (the last two years, not hte first three). It’s mostly been painful and a lot of it has gone wrong in ways that were out of my control.

I just wish it was over, and that a lot of what happened, didn’t. This will mark me for life and I only hope I recover… not only from my own mistakes and failures, but from all that’s been screwed over.

One bad thing after another has happened, and the past two years have been hell. I am just done dealing with it, with things continuing to be this way. I can’t take any more.

And I probably shouldn’t write about it publicly like this, but I am: because what I am going through right now, how I am feeling, the decision point I am at… it is very pivotal point in college for me, right near the end, where I have to make this choice to push through this last bit or just give up because it’s too much, and it’s too hard. I feel as if all of my strength is gone and every reason I wanted to do this doesn’t even matter anymore.

I can’t take anymore.

I have felt like that for awhile, yet something in me still says I can’t give up and not try. Even if I fail, even if things don’t work out -again-, I am going to do all I can to get through this. I am going to do all I can to finish this. I want it to be over, and it keeps getting dragged out and unfolding terribly, but there is good at the end, at the closure, at that point -someday- when I get to move past this and move on.

I feel as if I will never heal or be able to be okay again until I have closure. Until I can leave and be free of this place, and every memory and bad experience.

But it keeps getting delayed. It keeps getting worse. I keep getting stuck here in trying to just finish and be done, and it is like this never-ending pain that more wounds get added to the longer I am here. I can’t heal. Even when I try -even in just little things- I have opposition and more trouble coming against me than I should have to deal with. Every attempt is just more difficult than it should be.

I need something, anything, good to happen to give me hope again. I want my passion for why this is worth it restored. Because right now, this is not worth it. It has cost me more than I ever wanted it to. In every way.

And I’m writing not to tell anyone, I’m writing because I need to write this. I need to say that it’s harder than I can handle anymore, and I don’t want to do this anymore.

But I will.

So here’s to the one thing I still am going to fight for, which is my freedom to leave this place finished and done, and finally be myself again, and have joy in life, and live my passion, and heal.

Here’s to that.

Brokenness

I’m broken. I have been for awhile.

I’m in a constant state of brokenness.

All these trials, all this pain, all the things that have created so much brokenness in my life and heart- I believe God is using it for good. I never wanted to go through this, I haven’t understood most of it; but it’s drawn me closer to Christ.

At first, I hurt so deeply I turned from God. I felt betrayed that I had surrendered my life into His hands and yet bad things happened to me. I doubted His goodness, I would not trust Him, and I refused to surrender when I felt He had failed me. If He was good, why would He let me go through so much pain? Why wouldn’t He protect me from it? Can I trust a God who doesn’t care if I suffer so deeply?

And I am thankful now I wrested through that. I think it was the farthest I had been from God’s heart in my life, because I had given up trusting in truths of His character and removed myself from depending on Him. I felt hurt by God, and guilty at the same time for blaming Him. But what other explanation was there? Why was I experiencing so much pain?

I was pretty hopeless in that state. Yet God didn’t stop working on my heart even through that hard time. I began to believe again. I began to turn back. I didn’t know how I would ever return to trusting Him again, but He brought me back. I hated how completely broken I felt, how I had completely fallen apart. But finally I am beginning to see my brokenness differently.

The battles I’ve been through have broken me down to nothing at points, but God works deeply in us in brokenness. He is gentle, patient, able, compassionate, understanding, and full of mercy and grace. He does not abandon the work of His hands. That gives me so much hope, knowing He never gives up on me. He doesn’t allow the pain or trails for nothing; He has a purpose to use all things for good and His glory.

“Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.” – Psalm 71:20

God is rebuilding me. I have been torn down, torn apart, and the pieces scattered; but He restores and will make me whole again, in Him. I don’t see how it is all coming together right now, but I trust Him, and I want Christ to be my cornerstone.

I think sometimes as Christians we may be afraid of brokenness. Or ashamed, like something is wrong with us. It puts you in a state of neediness and vulnerability that is utterly humbling. Exposing your heart, admitting you don’t have it all together, admitting there are things you don’t understand, admitting you are hurting or falling apart- that is hard. But I see now it’s not weakness, or a bad quality; it’s strength, it’s courage. To be able to share the most broken parts of your heart and life with God, with another person, is courageous; to know you are still accepted and loved in that brokenness is a beautiful thing. Acknowledging that you are in the process of healing and being restored, that not all the pieces are there, and it may take a long time before they are mended… it takes deeper levels of humility than you’ve ever dived into before. You learn to be patient with yourself and to wait on God. Grace in imperfection. It frees you to trust in Christ’s sufficiency, not your own. It teaches you to trust God and the work He is doing in you through the trails more than your desire to rush ahead and be at the end of them.

I think acknowledging how broken I am, and going through the pain helps me extend a lot more grace to others around me, too. Because I realize I’m not the only one who’s experiencing brokenness, who is hurting, who has been torn down. I want others to know it’s okay to not be okay around me, and that if they are hurting, I want to be real about how they are doing, and I want to be with them in that and let them know I care about their heart. I understand better that there are reasons people have different struggles, and a lot of it traces back to the fact that deep down, that person is hurting, and the answer is not to try and change what they are doing out of their brokenness, but love them and hope that love brings healing to the hurt.

I’m so thankful for Christ. He emanates exactly the kind of love I want to know all my days, and the kind of love I want to extend to others. So selfless, self-denying, extravagant. He saw people where they were at and loved them. He had more love in His heart than the whole world or heavens could contain; it will take eternity to search out the fullness of it, and still there is more. The fact that God became flesh is one of the amazing parts of the gospel to me. I was reading Hebrews 4:15 last night and I felt so encouraged that Jesus is not unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but He had been “tempted in every way, just as we are—yet He did not sin.” Jesus understands our weaknesses, even though He is perfectly holy and without sin. Think about that.

In the beginning, the more my own brokenness was exposed to me, the more I hated and loathed myself. I still struggle sometimes with thinking I am a terrible person, unworthy of love, and no one would choose to love me in this state. But Christ has shown me differently. He loved me at my worst, at my darkest. And if He can, there are others who will, too.

Now the more I realize my own brokenness, the more I am drawn to love broken people. I want to spread the hope I have in Christ that His grace is greater still, that He overcame, that all the suffering ends in good with Him, and that if someone is broken, I want to love their heart until it experiences at least some touch of healing. God will rebuild us and we won’t always feel like rubble scattered on the ground. With gentle hands, with patience, He will reconstruct every piece and place it where it should go. I know, because that is what He is doing. Maybe all those things that hurt and fell apart needed to. Maybe God wants to build me up anew, but in order to to that, everything had to be torn down. One thing I know for sure: He is rearranging my heart. He is reconstructing my life.

Brokenness is not something to be ashamed of, or afraid of. God creates so much beauty out of broken, humbled hearts.

The world is in desperate need of knowing a love like Christ’s. There is so much brokenness and hidden hurt, and I want people to know there is hope in Christ in that place. You don’t have to despair or remain there; things can change and get better. I will walk with you through it, even when things aren’t getting better. I’ll stay with you through the pain. My love with remain the same through the struggle. I won’t give up, and I won’t let you go. That has been God’s love toward me, and I think a lot more people need to know a love like that exists and they can know it.

In brokenness, you gain such a deeper understanding of His love. There is hope in Christ in that state. There is hope of healing and restoration. So hold on. God does not give up on those who are His own; He will not let go of you, no matter what you are going through. His love endures, and His love will overcome. Something good will come of it.

“But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” – James 4:6 ESV

“More” by Urban Rescue

“This is more than my obsession
Won’t You empty me
Won’t You empty me
This is more than my confession
This is everything
This is everything

Oh I’m nothing without You
I, I need a second chance
My soul sings I love You, love You

All of my fears and failures
I lay them down for something more
For more, for more of You
All that this world can offer
I give it all away for more
For more, for more of You”

“Pigs and Promiscuity”: Guys and Girls Today

Recently I was asked, “Girls are wearing less and less clothes, guys being more and more like “pigs”; everything seems to be about relationships and sex, image and size: how do you feel about guys and girls nowadays? ” (Original question).

Guys and girls today need Jesus.

Just like you and me.

They need a lot of grace and love.

Just like you and me.

We need to pray for them and not judge them for where they are at. There is always a reason why people do what they do. Everyone has a different story. Everyone has pain and experiences which drive them to do what they do. We all have desires and needs that we will seek out in the wrong way without Christ.

“They say a man’s greatest need is to feel adequate, which makes his greatest fear inadequacy; likewise, a woman’s greatest need is to feel secure, which means her greatest fear is to feel insecure.” (source)

We can’t just look at the surface. This is a heart issue. There is something much deeper going on beneath these surface issues we see.

When people do not look to Christ for all they need, they will ultimately be unfulfilled in these deep desires, dissatisfied in those needs. Momentarily, they may be satisfied; but long term, it will be destructive and leave them feeling emptier than before. They will look to the world’s pattern of obtaining acceptance, intimacy, being desirable and loved. In many ways, they are seeking after affirmation in their identity, but our identity can only be found and made secure in Christ Jesus.

I used to judge girls who wore low cut shirts and be bothered by it a lot. Now I just want to love them even more. I feel for them. Because I know there’s a reason they do that. They are seeking something through trying to look attractive and appeal to guy’s sensuality. Maybe she’s wearing that shirt because she’s seeking attention and affirmation in the wrong way; maybe all she needs to know is how uniquely beautiful God made her and how she is not defined by if she meets the standards of perfection she expects of herself, or feels others expect of her. Maybe I can speak encouragement and truth to her. Maybe you can. After all, I can relate to how she feels. At the heart of it, she just wants to be loved.

When Jesus met someone, He always met them where they were. He saw them. He knew their story, why they were the way they were, and why they did what they did. He understood. He knew just how to get beyond the sin to the root of it by exposing their hearts. He would reach in to their heart with His love and it changed them forever, in just one encounter. We really need new eyes to see others the way He does, to see their hearts and to meet them right where they are and still love them past the sin and “awful”, and point them to the what they truly are looking for, which is found in Christ.

You see, I can identify with them. I can identify with guy’s lust and girl’s seeking for affirmation and attention. Because we all fall short. We all sin. I have flesh that tempts me. And sometimes I give into those desires that are more of this world than the heavenly kingdom I am a part of.

It all just points back to how much we need Christ. Because praise Christ Jesus, we can overcome, because He has overcome. Praise God, we can be made new. Praise Christ Jesus, He redeems. Praise God, because we are loved with a love like no other. Praise God, we can have intimacy that cannot compare to any earthly level of it with the Creator of our hearts. All we seek can be found in Him.

There is so much hope for our generation. God can turn it all around. We are His representatives so let’s share His love and truth to a world that so desperately needs to know it.

Guys and girls today are future sons and daughters of King Jesus. They just need to be introduced to the Lover of their soul. That’s why we share Him in who we are and all we do. That’s why it’s so important to love like Jesus does. How else will they know Him and what His love is like? The answer is Jesus, and being Jesus to people who need Him more than anything. And we need transformation of our own hearts and lives.

“How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!” Romans 10:14-15

Note: When I answered this question, I felt like there was so much room to converse about this with other believers and I wish I could say or talk more about it. I would love to hear your heart and thoughts on this as well, leave a comment to share yours!

This Place

It was easy, very easy, to list of every reason I hated being back on campus.

I didn’t want to be here and when circumstances worsened, I hated it even more.

This is not the place I want to be.

But isn’t this where God wants me? Don’t I know that without a doubt?

Well maybe that is the problem. He’s to blame. He’s the one who wants me in this hell hole. If I could be doing what I wanted right now, I’d be a lot happier.

Remaining in God’s will is supposed to mean having peace and joy, right? If you choose to follow Him, ultimately things will be good because after all, you went His way, not yours- right?

This was my line of thinking as I returned to Indiana Wesleyan for my last semester. But I am rediscovering what it really means to be here, and to be in God’s will.

Surrendering your will to follow wherever God leads is one step in the right direction. Every day after is a continual choice to be obedient to take another step; it’s a daily walk. The posture of our heart needs re-aligned in the presence of God every day.

My attitude was already somewhat begrudging before I even went back to college to finish my degree. Then my situation got worse, more difficulties arose, and everything seemed to go downhill the longer I stayed here. Shouldn’t it get better, if I was in God’s will?

I believe God has be revealing to me that in all this, even though I could use my circumstances as an excuse, the problem has been my attitude and my perspective. In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, Paul writes,

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

All this time I have complained, cried, ranted, and allowed myself to be so dissatisfied with where I’m at. It got to the point that I couldn’t worship. Part of that was years of pain and hurt that needs healing, but part of it was me was resisting the thought that maybe this is exactly where God wants me and it could be good, I could enjoy it if I’d just look to be satisfied in Him and seek to be content where He has me.

I’m supposed to rejoice? I have so many reasons not to, I’d think. But that’s the problem; I have so many reasons to rejoice. It’s just easier to focus on the trails and hardships. And the reasons why I don’t want to rejoice are reasons to pray without ceasing and bring it to God. I also haven’t been dwelling on the things I have to be thankful for. So it’s time to find -in everything- something to be thankful for.

I’m exactly where I need to be. I’m in the place that will chase me to Jesus daily, and a place where I can be challenged to choose to rejoice, give thanks, and grow in my prayer life.

God’s will isn’t just the place He leads us to, but the place our heart is towards Him while we’re there.

Being in this place is more about walking with God every day than a destination I reach and learn to live with.

I used to say it didn’t matter where I was, as long as I’m with Him. I hope I can say that again. I want to learn to be content in His will and discover His peace and joy there. I’m learning to not loathe this place in life God has me, but be thankful for it. And the Holy Spirit is helping me through that daily. Step by step.

This place is exactly the place I should be.

Repentance in Respect

“He stole my cell phone number!” I told my friends, laughing about the terrible way the Sprint employee had tried but failed to ask me on a date. I thought it was a funny story, but also a good example of another guy who had done poorly at trying to pursue me. Over and over during college, I would be disappointed and frustrated by the advances of guys toward me. Too soon, bad move, wrong way, completely wimpy, abrupt, you name it- I’d had to “endure it”. I had plenty of stories: each ending -of course- in a rejection on my part to their feeble efforts. While it’s good to hold men to a standard in how they pursue you romantically, God gave me some insight recently. Although I felt these young men were ignorant in knowing how to pursue me, and found it frustrating beyond words, I was failing miserably in the aftermath. And it’s important enough to me to share this with my sisters so you don’t make the same damaging mistake I was, unknowingly.

When I shared these stories about the ‘miserable failed attempts’ of these guys who tried to pursue me, date me, ask me out, my respect for them was not communicated. Instead, my words were used destructively, because with them I was re-enforcing some concepts we as women have of men that are especially hurtful. We assume men are incompetent in the sphere of romance; we have such impossible standards for what we expect from them, that we won’t be able to appreciate the genuine effort they put forth and respect them for it. Women have such an important role to build up the men in their life and affirm them. I just genuinely grieved for the times I lacked communicating respect for my brothers in Christ. I write these words with tears of conviction. It’s not that I didn’t respect them, but that so often I blindly have not communicated in a way that upholds how much I really do respect them; instead, with my words I spread and fed the negative concepts and assumptions we as women have of men.

I do want to make clear I didn’t reject their asking me on a date because they did badly as much as I wasn’t interested in a relationship with them in any way, and most of the time did not have any attraction to them at all. I honestly respected these men a lot, and felt honored they were interested in me. But instead of appreciating their effort and protecting their honor by not airing out these stories of “men’s failed attempts to date me because they did terrible”, I shared them as humorous stories and even as a way for people to feel sorry for me for never being asked out in a worthy manner, just a bunch of buffoons trying to get at me. Right? Am I the only one who has promoted this idea, inadvertently?

You know what I want to do? I want to change the conversation. I want to uplift my brothers when I am around others. I want to publicly and privately speak well of them. Romance isn’t something guys will be an expert on the first attempt, but we have to believe in them that they can get there, and maybe sometimes we will be one of their attempts; we have to be gracious in that.

 Our words have such power. When we speak, we have opportunity to impact the men in our lives negatively or positively; to tear down or build up. And I think to be able to do that, we need to pray and ask God to help us see the way He does, and that He would guide our speech in how we talk about our brothers in Christ. When the Holy Spirit was revealing this area I need to work on, I honestly just wanted to not speak at all for fear of saying something the wrong way. But I believe that’s because we need to begin at the heart, because out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45). This means the first thing I need to pray for is that God would radically change the way I view the men in my life and tear down any false assumptions I’ve built up in my mind. I think it’s a process of healing, too. Because when you aren’t pursued well, it makes a woman feel like she wasn’t worth a special effort. And that’s a hard thing to respond to repeatedly.

I know I’m growing and learning along with the rest of us, and it’s difficult sometimes, but God gives us so much grace and I know He will teach us when we are willing how to follow His way in loving others. So let’s build up the men –young and old- in our lives in our conversation and the way we speak about them to each other. Let’s pray for them and trust God is at work. Because I believe there is a lot of greatness inside of the men in our lives, we just need to believe it and support them.

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. No one has never seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in it.” (1 John 4:7, 12)

January 29, 2013

Broken, I fell apart

Doubting

Lost in pain

Confused and hurt

 

But You loved me there

You loved me at my worst

You held me as I cursed and cried

Even when I couldn’t believe in good

You were good

 

In my blindness

In my failing

Grace embraced this fragile being

Trembling, full of fear

Comfort soothed my worry

When You came near

 

I am unmade

But You remain

Even in darkness,

I feel You there when I reach out

You’ve never left me

You won’t leave me here

Don’t settle for appearance.

Unpinning my hair from the messy updo I’d thrown it into for my run, wisps of face-framing curls fell across my forehead and cheeks. I stopped and observed the change in the bathroom mirror. That looks pretty. I should leave it for tomorrow.

Instantly I realized what a stupid idea that was.

I began correcting myself inaudibly. You just ran! You’re gross and sweaty. You need a shower. Your hair needs washed clean, even if it looks fine. Why would you even think that? You can try to get it to look something like this tomorrow.

And later -after my shower- I sat down and a thought crossed my mind.

Sometimes this is exactly what we do spiritually.

We get smelly, we get dirty, we need to be washed clean. But maybe we stop in the mirror and say, “Hey, I look good! You can’t even tell I just got all gross.” And we excuse ourselves from what we really need, while neglecting the awareness of how much we really need it just because we pass as looking alright, or maybe even better than that!

But we need to be washed, we need to be made clean.

I’m not just talking about sin but this could even be in regards to our attitude, and our heart needing to be made pure, washed of filth. We may be able to pull off putting forward our charm or an appearance of beauty, but it’s only a cover-up over our true condition, which is not hidden to the Lord. We may be able to convince others with our outward appearance, but God doesn’t look at the things men look at- He looks at our hearts (1 Samuel 16:7).

Basically, we shouldn’t compromise for looking holy and actually being made holy. God is the one who sanctifies us through and through as we come to Him with our “stink”. Which do we value more; simply appearing clean, or acknowledging our need and allowing God to wash us clean?

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (Proverbs 31:30)