Long drives are good for the soul.
Windows rolled down, music blending into the sound of the wind rushing in as my thoughts took over, I realized-
I have been letting my past define my present. I’ve been letting the pain of yesterdays ruin the joys of today. I’ve been racing to the end. I’ve been stuck in this hope that when I leave, I will finally heal. But even once I make it, I realized- that doesn’t mean it’s the end. This isn’t the only time I will experience great pain in my life. Pain, tragedy, hurt, discrimination, mistreatment, discouragement, obstacles, brokenness- it will happen again. Things will happen that I don’t understand. Things will happen that shouldn’t. It will look different, but I can’t control circumstances. Loved ones die, people can be cruel, and we struggle. That’s life.
But to dwell on the bad things that have happened is anti-productive. Yes, it’s hard to move on. Yes, it’s difficult to overcome. Yes, it still hurts sometimes. But I have to decide to leave the past in the past. I have to realize, right now, Christ is making all things new. He is redeeming. He is restoring. He is working all things for His glory. Don’t I want to be a part of that?
I just realized, dang, I used to enjoy college. I used to have fun. I used to create memories and feel joy being in community. Why can’t I now?
Yes, things have changed. I’ve changed. Most the people who knew me are gone now. But look, there’s opportunity today to have fullness of joy. It’s been so obvious to me that life has not been the way God desires for me to go through it. I’ve lost my delight. My joy. My freedom.
When I’m at college, I feel like I’m not myself, as if I’m suppressed from being who I truly am. I thought it was the environment, or community, since it only changes when I come here. I’ve said lately that I feel like the person I am at college versus the person I am at home is like night and day. I haven’t been able to figure out how to change that. I realize now what change needs to happen.
The truth is, it’s time to stop focusing on the bad things that have happened and be thankful for every little evidence of His goodness. From start to end. I want to walk through every single day the rest of this semester with a grateful heart full of praise. I am done dwelling on the past, it is behind me, and I can’t change what’s happened.
I know I haven’t fully healed, but I think it’s because I’m still hurt, and I’m still hurt because I’ve had difficulty forgiving. I was reading Matthew (6:14-15; 18:21-2) and was realizing that Christ has forgiven me, but I’ve bitterly kept a record of wrongs; certain individuals treat me -over and over- wrongly, and I hold it against them. Jesus is asked by Peter “How many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”” And Jesus answers him, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” I let that sink in and realized, dang, what if these people had wronged me seven times, or seventy-seven times in one day? How many times do I have to forgive a repeat offender?
And then I realize how much Christ forgives me. And how He’s set the example. He’s forgiven me for more sins than anyone has done against me. And He holds no record. He remembers them no more. Then why do I? What right do I have to do that? I don’t.
I’ve harbored hurt. And now it’s my time to learn how to say, “I forgive” and choose to forget that they even did that. I need to wipe the slate completely clean, and look at them as if they have never done anything. I was so convicted reading Jesus’ words in Luke 6:32-33:
““If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.”
I need to love those who do not love me. Who treat me the in the way opposite of love. I need to love them. Christ set the example for me.
“He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.” – Psalm 103:10
God has shown me so much mercy. I should walk in mercy, too.
This is getting long, but I just wanted to write that this is a turning point for me. I’m going to forgive, I’m going to forget the record of wrongs, I’m going to love, I’m going to allow Christ to bring healing to those areas, I’m going to delight in the Lord again and find my joy in Him. I’m going to let go of the past and let it be done. I’m going to look at Christ’s example and live it. And I’m only going to be able to do this by emptying myself of all the crap that’s been held up inside and giving it to Him. I’m only going to be able to do this by surrendering it all at His feet and trusting Him. I’m only going to be able to do this by dying to myself, and daily slaying my flesh. I’m only going to be able to do this by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I’m not going to continue on from this point the way I have been. The thief has come only to steal, and kill, and destroy, and I’ve experienced enough of that. Christ came so that I would have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10). And that is the life I’m going to live. No more letting the thief in.
There has been so much good that has come about because of the things I’ve been through. And every single moment of the way, God has been consistantly good, unfailing, faithful, loving, patient, and generous. I’m so blessed. And even if I can’t make sense of all the things that have happened, the pain I have experienced, I no longer have to let it hold me. I can let it go.
Every day I get to worship God and see His goodness. I get to praise Him every day. I get to live in the fullness and know Him more. I get to grow and I get to experience the joy of being loved by God and learning to show that love to others. I get to represent Christ in the way I love, act, and respond. What a privilege. I get to give Him glory. What a joy.
1 Timothy 4:12 