Being led blindfolded

Recently for my birthday, some of my friends kidnapped me from a Bible Study I was having, and one friend led me -blindfolded- to our destination where a surprise party was waiting for me.

I had no idea they had planned a party for me until I was being led there.

I’m struggling to have complete faith in the mystery of God at work right now. I don’t have to know or understand what He’s up to, even if I want so much to: I just need to trust Him and remain faithful. I don’t understand why He won’t give me something to give me hope, but I’m sure that’s what the Bible is full of. I need to trust His sovereignty in my life more, and be at peace knowing everything is in His hands- even if I don’t know what He’s doing with it.

I think part of what I’m struggling with is this feeling that I always am failing and messing up on things I intended not to. I am always trying to catch up to where I fell short. I’m so sick of it. When will I finally be on the other side, free from all these mistakes that are littered over my entire year? Mostly this is related to responsibilities, especially academic, and it doesn’t help me when I think about the future… I won’t lower my expectations, but I never hit them, and I’m the only one responsible. And part of me hopes that I will just be able to completely get there and that this May term will be my time to prove I can do this right. I just get discouraged because I’m still always trying to catch up to where I fall short, and I’m afraid of falling short again and this just going on longer.

The main thing is, I’m struggling. And while I’m struggling, I’m alone, because I’m struggling to trust others. There are friends I can immediately think of that I trust and could call, but won’t. And there are friends I am losing faith in, or discouraged with our friendship, and I just am completely turned off to reach out to anyone. So I conclude that this is something I need to wrestle out on my knees before God.

I took a five hour nap today after some tears escaped, but mostly I was too overwhelmed to keep thinking about all this.

Where do I go from here? How do I get up from this low place? Even when I am trusting God, I keep sliding back to this struggle right now. Francis Chan said in his book Crazy Love that if life were stable, he’d never need God’s help. I feel that way; I desperately need God’s help right now. Life is unstable; there is uncertainty in my friendships, future, myself… and I want to trust and for my faith to increase, and it is: but I’m struggling still. So what action can I take to keep walking with God in faith?

I think I need to rejoice. Rejoicing just smashes all the crap that tries to weigh us down and sets us free in God’s presence. I choose joy! I have given my life to God, and He deserves everything. I need to cast off any doubt within me and give God my full trust. I also need to pry my attention off myself and fix my eyes on Him. When I look at myself, of course I’m going to get discouraged. But if my sole view is filled with Christ, I will be strengthened. I will have confidence. Because when I am looking at the Almighty Savior who conquered death and rescued me before, I can trust His power and love to again deliver me from where I am at. Jesus is not going to abandon me, He has given me His Holy Spirit so I can live with that same power He has. God is faithful. In Psalm 18:25 David quotes 2 Samuel 22:26 “To the faithful you show yourself faithful” and I trust that God is faithful and I choose to be faithful to Him.

“He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.” – Francis Chan, Crazy Love. God, I’m in that situation. I declare I am not afraid to be in it; I trust You completely! You are going to come through.

So, when my friend led me, blindfolded, my hands on her shoulders, to my surprise birthday party…I had to keep taking steps forward with her at the same pace she was walking. I kept thinking I was going to trip and I was hesitant to walk so fast because I couldn’t see where I was. But I had to trust my friend, because she could see.

Maybe right now I’m blindfolded, but I’m being led by God, and He wants me to trust Him and that He sees. And maybe there’s a surprise party waiting at our destination.

“God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should change His mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19, 1 Samuel 15:29

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

“Those who know your name will trust in You, for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You.” Psalm 9:10

“O LORD God Almighty, who is like You? You are mighty, O LORD, and Your faithfulness surrounds You.” Psalm 89:8

“What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do.” Isaiah 46:11b

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

“God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.” 1 Corinthians 1:9