I will praise You all the more

We all go through hard times and different seasons in our lives. The past several months have been really difficult for me, and God has been as faithful and amazing as ever. I was reflecting today and these are a few things God showed me He has used in the past several months, more than ever, to really help me through the hardest days.

Playing worship songs daily on guitar. This is my quiet time every night, when everything is still and the day is over. No matter what’s happened, how I feel, God is worthy to be praised. There is a song to lift up unto the heavens. The songs are also prayers from my heart, matched with a melody. It’s where I rest myself in His presence, where I lay my burdens down, where I enter the throne room and worship the Lord of my life and love of my heart.

Listening to Christian metal and hardcore music. This has helped me so much every day. It’s my worship. It puts my mind on Christ and Who He is; it focuses my thoughts on the Truth, on the Word of God, on the Worthy King, Who is deserving of all praise and glory. You can’t have a pity party listening to this type of music. You can’t feel defeated listening to this type of music. And you definitely aren’t going to give up or back down. Singing these songs, it’s like my victory shout, my declaration that Christ reigns over everything else that tries to rise up against me. It’s my warfare music against the enemy who is waging war in the spiritual realm every day (and he’s always losing). It’s a reminder God is my defense and I have nothing to fear, He’s greater. The lyrics reach down into your heart and humble you in the realization that God is God, and there is no other. Not your situations, not you, not anything or anyone else. Him alone. I always feel strengthened and encouraged in putting my faith and trust in God, no matter if I only listen to one song.

Serving others. At my work, the majority of my day is spent serving others, putting their interests first, welcoming them, and not paying attention to myself (how tired or hungry I am, not allowing myself to be upset when they’re rude or impatient, etc) but rather learning to represent Christ and serve them like it was Jesus Himself I was serving. No better way to get over your own problems by caring about others more and focusing on making their day better.

My family. We’re not perfect, we’re all going through a lot, but we know we have each other, and we’ll support each other through everything. We stick together and sacrifice for one another. Having them there and being able to present in their lives has been such a blessing. I love them.

Constant prayer. I feel like every other minute I’m praying and calling out to God. And it’s been a really good thing. He’s always answered.

Smiling. Just choosing to smile. It helps.

And in the end, it’s always still God alone is the One who gets me through the hard times; He is my joy, my help, my strength, my salvation. He uses our circumstances to glorify Himself, teach us, refine us, and draw us closer. Praise Him. 🙂

Being led blindfolded

Recently for my birthday, some of my friends kidnapped me from a Bible Study I was having, and one friend led me -blindfolded- to our destination where a surprise party was waiting for me.

I had no idea they had planned a party for me until I was being led there.

I’m struggling to have complete faith in the mystery of God at work right now. I don’t have to know or understand what He’s up to, even if I want so much to: I just need to trust Him and remain faithful. I don’t understand why He won’t give me something to give me hope, but I’m sure that’s what the Bible is full of. I need to trust His sovereignty in my life more, and be at peace knowing everything is in His hands- even if I don’t know what He’s doing with it.

I think part of what I’m struggling with is this feeling that I always am failing and messing up on things I intended not to. I am always trying to catch up to where I fell short. I’m so sick of it. When will I finally be on the other side, free from all these mistakes that are littered over my entire year? Mostly this is related to responsibilities, especially academic, and it doesn’t help me when I think about the future… I won’t lower my expectations, but I never hit them, and I’m the only one responsible. And part of me hopes that I will just be able to completely get there and that this May term will be my time to prove I can do this right. I just get discouraged because I’m still always trying to catch up to where I fall short, and I’m afraid of falling short again and this just going on longer.

The main thing is, I’m struggling. And while I’m struggling, I’m alone, because I’m struggling to trust others. There are friends I can immediately think of that I trust and could call, but won’t. And there are friends I am losing faith in, or discouraged with our friendship, and I just am completely turned off to reach out to anyone. So I conclude that this is something I need to wrestle out on my knees before God.

I took a five hour nap today after some tears escaped, but mostly I was too overwhelmed to keep thinking about all this.

Where do I go from here? How do I get up from this low place? Even when I am trusting God, I keep sliding back to this struggle right now. Francis Chan said in his book Crazy Love that if life were stable, he’d never need God’s help. I feel that way; I desperately need God’s help right now. Life is unstable; there is uncertainty in my friendships, future, myself… and I want to trust and for my faith to increase, and it is: but I’m struggling still. So what action can I take to keep walking with God in faith?

I think I need to rejoice. Rejoicing just smashes all the crap that tries to weigh us down and sets us free in God’s presence. I choose joy! I have given my life to God, and He deserves everything. I need to cast off any doubt within me and give God my full trust. I also need to pry my attention off myself and fix my eyes on Him. When I look at myself, of course I’m going to get discouraged. But if my sole view is filled with Christ, I will be strengthened. I will have confidence. Because when I am looking at the Almighty Savior who conquered death and rescued me before, I can trust His power and love to again deliver me from where I am at. Jesus is not going to abandon me, He has given me His Holy Spirit so I can live with that same power He has. God is faithful. In Psalm 18:25 David quotes 2 Samuel 22:26 “To the faithful you show yourself faithful” and I trust that God is faithful and I choose to be faithful to Him.

“He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.” – Francis Chan, Crazy Love. God, I’m in that situation. I declare I am not afraid to be in it; I trust You completely! You are going to come through.

So, when my friend led me, blindfolded, my hands on her shoulders, to my surprise birthday party…I had to keep taking steps forward with her at the same pace she was walking. I kept thinking I was going to trip and I was hesitant to walk so fast because I couldn’t see where I was. But I had to trust my friend, because she could see.

Maybe right now I’m blindfolded, but I’m being led by God, and He wants me to trust Him and that He sees. And maybe there’s a surprise party waiting at our destination.

“God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should change His mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19, 1 Samuel 15:29

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

“Those who know your name will trust in You, for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You.” Psalm 9:10

“O LORD God Almighty, who is like You? You are mighty, O LORD, and Your faithfulness surrounds You.” Psalm 89:8

“What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do.” Isaiah 46:11b

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

“God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.” 1 Corinthians 1:9

summits.

Life.

There are moments that are peaks, like standing at the top of a summit.

Most of my “summit” moments have been on my face on my dorm room floor this past year -humbled in God’s presence;  or lying in the grass gazing up at the stars or in the warmth of the sun -in awe of His love; or when God came in power as I prayed for someone He led me to. I look around and just see His power, witness His greatness, and I’m in awe. It’s awesome.

There are moments that are valleys, where you are desperately in need of God to carry you through as you depend on Him. Where life is a constant surrender, and there is struggle. It’s hard, but it grows, refines, and recreates you into the person you NEED to be.

These are defining moments that change us deep within.

Yet most of our life is not moments, but just a journey that continues on. It is the practice of being faithful, staying true, remaining steadfast.

I live because of Him, and I will follow wherever He leads me. We will stand on mountaintops and we will fight through valleys together. But most of all, we will continue on in this journey.

After all, I am only passing through to something so much greater.

Eternity.

And that gazes down on the highest summits I have ever stood upon.

 

 

Photo credit: Geneviève Bjargardóttir