God won

I’ve been in a season of testing lately. And instead of rejoicing and embracing it, I’ve just felt weak and weary; I’ve wanted escape, rest, a break. God wants me to grow in perseverance. But I want to just be done with it already.

A lot of things have been on my heart. Like, a lot.

It’s like I want to create this serene, comfortable retreat for myself to get away from all this busyness and weariness. I want to just clear out all the extra in my life and focus on what warms my heart the most. What I want is all beautiful, wonderful things I deeply desire.

But it’s all about what I want.

Today, I finally surrendered. I had been struggling to let go of what I want. But God has a plan so much greater for me than I can imagine for myself. All week was like tug of war within me, between what I want and some vague impression of God’s will for me. I struggled to trust Him and not doubt, I was losing hope to hold on and be patient and persevere. That’s because I was more concerned with what was important to me, while wanting at the same time God’s will. But guess what? We can’t have it both ways. We can’t be divided in our hearts. We can’t concentrate on our desires and still be fully surrendered to God’s will.

And a lot of what was holding me back was fear. I wrote about this in my last post.

One of my long-time struggles is my desire for a family someday. I don’t want to surrender the possibility of having a family. I want to be a mother and have daughters and sons of my own. I see families and my heart aches sometimes. A son climbing on his daddy’s back, a daughter holding his hand… I can’t help but think how blessed they are, and how much I want that someday. And I doubt that I will ever meet the Godly man I’m hoping for, the right one, and even if I do, that he would choose me and pursue me in the way I wish a man would. When I actually tell other this, they think I’m being ridiculous.

As a disclaimer, though, usually I am honestly content in singleness and find great joy in it; I know the purpose of why I am. I’m truly thankful for being single. Sometimes, after waiting so long, I begin to doubt what I am hoping for is going to happen. Or that it can’t be as awesome as I pray it will be. I apologize if this is too personal, I’m just being real. I’m hoping if anyone reads this, you can relate even if what is important to you right now is different.

Through this all, I’ve been praying fervently. I’ve been seeking God to help me overcome my selfishness, my weakness, this battle within where I can’t seem to let go of my desires and trust Him completely with them. I know I should.

Tonight, I wrote this in my journal as a wake-up for myself.

Stop fighting God. Surrender. Give up your fears. Don’t be afraid. Are you ready to stop battling between your desires and what you know God is calling you to? Say yes already! He’s good. You can trust Him. Completely. Stop letting the deceiver entice you with the things of this world. None of it compares to walking intimately with Christ. You can be free. You just have to let go of everything but Jesus.

I want my heart to shout: “I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ!” (Philippians 3:8) and mean it with all my heart, no reservation. Friends, there is such freedom in that!  No holding back.

I worshiped to the song “Ready Now” by Desperation Band tonight. If you listen to it, you’ll hear the first verse and chorus of the lyrics are:

You come as You promised You would

I want to surrender for good

I know that I need You

And I don’t want to keep living life alone

Take my heart

And make it new

And make it true

Make like You

Take my hands

I lift them high

They’re Yours not mine to do

Do what You will, do what You will

I’m ready now, I’m ready now, I’m ready now

Do what You will

Are we ready to say “God, do what You will”? Are we willing to give up our lives and live as if our greatest gain is Christ and nothing else? I am done letting other things compete with my desire for God’s will. I want Him. I want Him more.

There was this battle inside my heart.

God won.

“My heart was saying, “Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long.” The Lord was answering, “I must teach you to long for something better.” – Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity

Faith is assurance of things hoped for, proof of things not seen.

As much as I’d like to catch up about Atlanta, I need to share about what God has been doing inside my heart lately. To share this is a kick at my pride, a bow to humility, and hopefully a blessing to those who read, because if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have a reason to share. But someone probably needs to hear. I know I needed it.

There is this battle going on inside me, and has been for awhile. When I found out I didn’t get the internship with World Next Door, basically my dream was crushed. I wasn’t struggling very much that the answer was no, because I trust God. I prayed He would give WND direction in their decisions, and if it was supposed to happen, it would have- because God’s purposes prevail. The problem is, since I didn’t get the internship, I don’t know what to do. The internship was everything I really wanted and needed: my dream. So I couldn’t imagine any better.

So there is this conflict inside me I keep battling. My desires and my will butting heads with God’s. I keep surrendering, submitting, because I love Him more than anything else I could ever have on this world. I want to bring Him glory and love Him with my all, no matter what I have to give up to follow Him, I will go the direction He leads.

The hard thing is, I have a difficulty time submitting to God’s will when I don’t know what it is. God has a purpose and plan in this; I just don’t see it right now. (Other than growing me spiritually).

I’m stuck, because although other options have come up, nothing’s right. Nothing is even close to something I’d be excited to do.

God spoke to me during worship last night very clearly, and I was convicted of a very wrong attitude. Even though I have been surrendered and desire to live a life of love for Him, my struggles over the future have been birthed out of selfishness and self-centeredness.

I have wanted what’s best for me.

But when have I wanted what is best for others?

I’m so concerned about my future, God’s plan for me. But really need to take a step back and realize: life is so bigger than just my own. Why, when I think of the future, do I only take into consideration myself? How do others fit into this, because it’s not about me. It’s not just about God. It’s about all of us, and I’ve been leaving a huge part of the picture out.

When our desires and wills come in conflict with God’s, it affects the intimacy of our relationship. I don’t know about you, but I never want to lose intimacy with God. I need to stay so close to Him, and for Him to be near.

All I know to do is to have faith.

I’ve been so doubtful that He could do something more amazing this summer than an internship with WND. I proclaim I trust God’s plan, but because I don’t see what He is seeing, I am half-worrying and trying to figure things out… it’s like I have this fall-back where I’m taking control until He intervenes and does something. I’m trying to make sure good things come to me, because I’m not so sure they will.

I’m baring my heart here, because I’m thinking and hoping I’m not the only one who’s been here; who has looked at the future and felt sad, discouraged and unsure. I have been losing hope, all the while, standing and saying to myself, “My hope is in Him, my hope is in Him.”

God doesn’t fail. He is faithful. This time of brokenness and waiting is meant to teach me faith and patience. It’s meant to shape me into a woman of God who can lose her dream but find joy in life because I’m living it with and for Christ.

I may look at the future and feel a bit downcast. But, I don’t have to remain that way. Because I do have faith. God has given me hope. What for? That life with Him, no matter where it brings me, is a delight. I have a reason to praise and be joyful. I am going to focus on being thankful and faithful in the many blessings God has provided in my life right now. I don’t need to make sure everything is going to work out or still be good. My future is secure in God, and I don’t even have to see it right now to believe it. I just need to have faith.

“Now faith is assurance of things hoped for, proof of things not seen.” – Hebrews 11:1

be quiet now and wait.

Thanks everyone who prayed, you are such a blessing to have as sisters and brothers in Christ! The internship interview with World Next Door went great, as far as I know; it wasn’t perfect (that’s expected), but I was just myself and kept true to being completely honest. I loved meeting Barry, Curtis, and Chuck. Haha, you know me- I wanted to give them all big hugs, but I did a good job at being professional with the common handshake ;). Even though I had incredible peace, I was definitely a teeny bit nervous at the beginning, but that was mostly because I wasn’t sure what to expect.

I will know in a week whether I will be an intern with World Next Door, or if God has something else. Keep the WND board in your prayers that God will give them clear direction in their decisions, I know they have a lot of incredible young adults like myself who have made it to the interview, and it’s a tough job to narrow it down. I am not worried, because I know God’s purposes and plans for my life will happen; nothing can stop God’s purposes and He always makes a way. Through this whole time, I have been standing on 1 Thessalonians 5:24, which says, “The One who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.”

The day of the interview, during my time in His Word, I read John 15:16, where Jesus said, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit- fruit that will last. Then  the Father will give you whatever you ask in My name.”

This was such a good reassurance, because I know that it’s God who works in us to will and to act according to His good purpose (Philippians 2:13).

My dad recently visited me one night at college, bought me a coat, matching gloves and a hat (and HE picked them out), and flowers. Aww!

Have you ever come before your Heavenly Father and wanted something, but not to ask for it? With my dad, I have always been more the “wait and see what he’s gonna do.” I love being surprised by genuine, self-initiated affection. When my dad decides on his own that he just wants to show how much he loves me, I love it! It’s not that I wouldn’t ask my dad for something if I wanted it, but that I would rather see what he wants to do. Over the years, as my dad and I have gotten closer, I have noticed he’s gotten really good at guessing what I like or want. Sometimes I know I have to ask, but those times are just for little needs (like, “we need to take the next exit, because I drank too much coffee”, haha!).

The incredible thing is, I know my heavenly Father knows me- even better than I know myself! He knows every need, every desire, what I like… He is my Creator! He knows exactly how to love me best, and He isn’t guessing -ever! My Heavenly Father is always wanting to show His affections for me and to express how much He loves me, even though He has already given me the greatest gift I could ever receive through Jesus Christ! He has already adopted me as His daughter, given me an inheritance, a huge family, made me into a new creation, and given me eternal life!

And guess what? I like to wait and see what He’s gonna do. I think He likes to wait and see what I am gonna do, too (although He knows me so well, He already knows, haha!). I am just a child of God, and He delights in me. No matter what happens in my life, that will never change! Through this whole internship process, my relationship with God has become even stronger, because as much as I want the internship, I know that with or without that blessing, I want to be content in God, that He alone as my everything! My relationship with Him is my constant, and it’s what truly matters most. I am just going to continue to love God and love others. How that looks will be determined by what path God leads me on- I simply follow Him in faith!

The second encouragement I found the morning of the internship were words of one of my favorite women, Elisabeth Elliot:

“Waiting on God in this way is true faith- no agenda of one’s own, no deadlines, no demands on what God must do. Simply an open heart and open hands ready to receive that which God shall choose, and a perfect confidence that what He chooses will be better than our best.”

Wow, isn’t that powerful? Isn’t it amazing how we can ask God for anything, yet then stand and simply say “God, I am here with an open heart and hands, ready to receive whatever You choose.” Wow, that is such an example of faith and trust in who God is.

When I returned back to campus from the interview, I sat down on my bed with my guitar and began to worship God. The third song I played was “Here is Our King” (yay for David Crowder Band!), and one part of the lyrics spoke to my heart exactly what I needed to hear from Him:

Since it is a song, I posted a video so you can listen to it.

The lines that kept flooding my heart with peace were”be quiet now and wait…be quiet now and rest.”

So that is what I will do. I will be patient (I won’t know for a week), I will be quiet and wait, resting in the knowledge of God’s love, faithfulness, goodness, promises, peace.

Whatever happens; the internship, my future- it’s already in His hands. It has been since the beginning. Whatever His answer, mine is “Yes” and “Amen!”

love through me.

Today is Valentines Day, a holiday to celebrate love. God is teaching me about love in a new way. Let me share about it with you.

First, here’s a recap and a little context: I’ve been gone the last three weekends from campus because I was in a wedding, making life even busier; I lost three days of my week and had to work extremely hard to keep up with life back at college. I felt a bit off-balanced, even as God was doing some majorly exciting things, especially for the future. God has been teaching me so much, that I have to skip over a few of those testimonies and just share what He was speaking to me today.

There are places God moves us toward in our lives as we seek Him that can seem very big and important at times. You probably have experienced this. Often they have to do with opportunities and decisions, or pursuing something that will happen only if He does it.

That is exactly what’s been happening in my life.

And throughout this very important time, where my dreams and desires are continually being surrendered at His feet and I keep praying and praising Him, I have still become more and more secluded within myself to what’s going on in my own heart and life. Not completely, but I know my thoughts are constantly turning back to the same things that are on my heart.

I know lately I keep posting with lots of references to World Next Door and the internship possibility. It’s because I am so excited! I’m also a little anxious, because it’s so important to me. Decisions and possibilities always seem to push me to my knees in prayer and praise! When I got the phone call last Tuesday that I get to move on to being interviewed for the internship, I realized even more how much I really want this, and I had to retreat to the secret place with God, on my face, and when I got up, I wrote this:

God is my all! I surrender my hopes, dreams, desires -no matter how much I deeply want them- because I want Him more. I’m so thankful that I’m more caught up in my desire for Jesus than anything else, because it’s way more satisfying and rewarding. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

I think it’s beautiful when we can come before God and be honest about our dreams and desires, but because we love Him more, can surrender them at His feet as a fragrant offering. All I am, all I have, is a gift from God and His grace. My heart belongs to Him, I am His- and He is mine! That is the greatest gain. I am excited about the future, but I believe I can walk forward in faith and having incredible peace because everything is resting in His perfect will.

Lately as I reflected on my time with God, I realized how much prayer and worship has been incredibly increasing in my life, yet I felt like the depth of my time in the Word was not as refreshing as usual. I haven’t been able to slow down for a long time to really put my heart at rest in His presence and enjoy the peace of just being with Him daily. Off and on, absolutely. But we need  to go to the secret place and just be.

Now that I’ve given you a bit of context, let me share about right now. (Yes, there is more!).

I have been laying my heart at His feet and asking Him to bless the future. I have been walking in faith and trusting Him and waiting to see what He will do. I have been worshiping and loving Him above all.

But I haven’t been asking and then listening to heart His heart about how I can love Him by loving others. I’ve been pretty needy and focused on Him meeting me to fill me for me. And yet I still feel like when I fill up, I’m not full enough to where I can give.

God gently reminded me today that I have been a thinking a bit more about how He can love me, more than how I can love Him in everything; this means more than what’s just on my own heart to honor and love Him in. This means asking what’s on His heart, what’s on His mind  that is outside of what I can know on my own.

I guess deep down I realized that I really want this internship with World Next Door, but it was because of me. Because it is my dream, desire, hope, etc. And God doesn’t say we can’t have our own desires, and I know He is pleased when we honor Him by surrendering all our dreams and desires to Him and submitting to His will.

But this is the key: what if God wants to take those desires and dreams I have and make  them so much bigger than myself? He opened my eyes to see that He gave me this vision, dream, desire, passion for my future to do what WND does, God did that not just because I will be completely THRILLED to do what I’ve always hoped and dreamed, or because it’s the way I know I will grow and learn in the way I need to, or because it’s everything I’ve wanted to do… The reason God has given  me such a passion is so I can truly serve Him and love Him and bring Him glory by loving others. That is God’s heart: to love.

So I guess my encouragement is this: Don’t get too caught up in what God’s doing in your own heart and mind that you forget to reach out to others around you and see how you can minister His love to those who need it. The enemy would love to distract us with what’s on our own hearts and minds, or even the amazing opportunities in the future, to get our focus more on self and away from all the open doors right where we are at now.

Today is Valentines day, a holiday about love. Often focused on self or a significant other. God wants us to reach out, look at the world around us, the opportunities that are here right where He has us now, and to love. Instead of focusing on ourselves, let us pray and ask God: “Love through me.”

~

Note: I know I promised another post last time I updated, but academics and leadership responsibilities come before my personal writing; keep checking back, I promise it’s coming! It’s going to be a good read.

the horizon never ends.

I once wrote to myself: the only thing that can stop you is you.

Anyone could argue and say, hey, things do happen: obstacles, extingent circumstances.

But obstacles are meant to be climbed. And those extingent circumstances? Another way around is what they cause you to find.

Too often we don’t overcome because we don’t believe we can. But God has given us power in Christ to overcome.

Currently I am listening to Arise by Flyleaf:

Arise and be

all that you dreamed

We have to believe in ourselves. I say to myself to believe solely in Christ yet I am aware the human soul has the choice to believe if we can even trust in His power over our own. We have to believe we can believe -and not hopelessly. Meaning, we believe with faith that it will be truth and not a waste of our trust.

We can be more than this.

But not if we don’t get up from where we are and start moving towards our dreams.

Once we’ve surrendered our selfishness, once we’ve submitted our clingy wills, we find the walls have fallen and the horizon never ends with Him.

the day her dreams came true.

I’m not sure how to begin writing this entry, there is so much I want to say. I always begin by just writing honestly from where I sit, how I’m thinking in the moment.

I’m grateful. Humbled. In awe. Excited. Absolutely touched inside. Joyful with hope. And even feeling a twinge of unworthiness of such an honor.

I was asked to serve as Residence Hall Chaplain for Martin Hall during Fall 2010-2011!

I accepted gratefully and excitedly. I had been waiting patiently for five, six days to hear whether I was chosen for the position. After the second interview, I was positive about how I was able to express my heart and how they received me. After days of no notification of if I was or wasn’t going to be a hall chaplain, I feel like God used that time to further prepare my heart to be at peace and trust Him completely if I did not get it. I’m thankful for that. Now I ave to figure out who I will be rooming with and who my suite-mates will be- I have NO clue yet!

But I don’t want to write about the experience. I want to thank God and give Him glory. I want to express how much this answered prayer means to me. You could never know how much, because there is so much I couldn’t even begin to dive into and share. I am so humbled that God has willed such an amazing opportunity I gave into His hands and that He will use me in this way.

“Come and see the works of God, He is awesome in His doing towards the sons of men”! (Psalm 66:5).
I have had five prophecies since last semester that really confirmed this is what God has been leading me into, and that this is truly where He wants me to be. I feel like a dream came true because this is the way I would love to lead and serve on this campus and it fits me like perfectly. He has been preparing me for a long time for this. I am so grateful and humble to be able to accept the opportunity.

For those of you who are still praying for God for guidance or trusting Him about things you are patiently waiting direction or an answer on, I hope these verses will encourage you and become realized as deep truths for your life (as they are in mine)!

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.”(Prov.3:5-6)